Wow...
I'm not sure where I'm at right now...=)
Hello HeLLo hello everyone,
I've missed you. I'm no longer missing me, which is a good thing.
I'm still on tour in that wind tunnel of change. I could be nearing the end of it, or I could have a thousand more miles to go. I don't know. I just know that this is a big one and life has never looked this way.
These chapters are filled with new pages of possibility that I couldn't see before.
I'm ready for them, but they've been out of reach.
I feel like I'm boogie boarding on the sToRyBoOk of my life in this glowing neon green and purple, swooshy, slippery tunnel that never ends.
At first it's fun, new and exciting!
- but you can't panic.
Because as soon as you panic you forget to breathe, and when you forget to breathe you choke, and when you choke you freak out, and when you freak out all you can think about is not breathing and thinking that you're going to die, and when you're thinking that you're going to die you forget that you're in a wind tunnel that you voluntarily jumped in for a reason, and what was the reason? To get to the other fucking side!
*sigh* Where was I?
Not panicking, yes...
I've felt trapped between the pages at times, and at other times, Ive hung onto the binding of my book for dear life, just waiting to be back on the right page at the right time.
But perhaps, this is the right page and this is the right time.
Maybe I'm supposed to be soggy right now. I just hope that I survive the spin cycle.
These past three months have been like trying to read in a dream. It's nearly impossible. You can feel the paper and make out blurry shapes, perhaps a letter or two, but nothing else is really clear. The best thing that you have is the emotion that you're feeling as you try to read, but that hasn't really worked for me either because my brain has been silly-putty lately.
It's astonishing. I'm quite amazed at how clumpy and sticky my thoughts have been.
Things actually got better when I stopped fighting it. Now I'm just laying back and enjoying the ride. Things don't really need to make sense right now. I'm just journaling through this almost inadequate chaotic dance of whimsical transcendent awkwardness and laughing.
Like, really laughing.
I don't give up on my journals ever. Even when I'm sooo ready to just bail on one and start a new one, I don't. And I have a feeling that journal 42 will be my favorite when I look back after many, m a n y years. 42...that's fitting =)
Anyway, right now I'm good.
It's a gorgeous day. It's my daughter's birthday. She would have been ten today. I imagine what she would look like, yet I feel that part of me knows.
The strangest thing is I don't really wonder what her personality would have been like because I feel that I already know that.
That could mean anything of course. That's she's with me, or my fantasies....I don't know.
It doesn't matter. I'm going to release her balloons soon.
I feel at peace. I haven't cried, not that it would be inappropriate or wrong. I'm just marveling that I don't feel like falling to pieces.
I feel grateful and inspired by my life and everyone in it. I feel connected today. Simply connected, and that's something that I've been looking for for quite some time.
And there is also the matter of that glorious full moon. She's in Capricorn right now, which is I was koo-koo for cocoa puffs last night!
I identify with her so much right now. There is magic in the air and on the wind. She has a show tonight. A lunar eclipse, playing around three a.m.
I'm going to transform into a tiger and watch her.
The tiger stares longingly at the moon Her stripes her stories her travels in tune Her sadness pauses, just for the night Her cub, a luminescent spiraling light As the tiger looks up, and she looks down And they journey together, around and around...
*sprinkle sprinkle*
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