Step 3: Acquire a Villianous Sidekick

"It does not take much strength to lift a hair, it does not take sharp eyes to see the sun and the moon, it does not take sharp ears to hear a thunderclap."
- Master Sun

SoOoOooooo Universe,

Did you think I went away? Did you think I would just forget about the grave injustices that I have suffered, which preempted this war? Well I didn't. I've been in search of my villainous sidekick.

Meet Katoomba. Two pounds of hyperactive Calico/Tortie dynamite. She is undergoing extensive training at Fort Five and exceeding our highest expectations. We have just finished repairing the west wing, and we're almost done interpreting her elaborate instructions to build the machines of termination that she has requested.

I still don't know how we're going to get 2,000,000 polar bear claws for the CO2 rockets, but that's not your concern. Your main concern should be fear right now. Katoombish fear. She's fast. She's ferocious. She's foxy. And I would not want to be her enemy.

It doesn't have to be this way you know. I'm actually trying to help you Universe. All you need to do is surrender. Amend the ruthless grievances with the five terms that I have stated, throw in some aromatherapy candles (the NICE ones. Not the crappy cheap ones that smell like synthetic car fresheners) and a treasure chest full of colorful catnip filled toys, and I'll look the other way. It's that simple.

We won't be friends. You won't get e-vites for my birrffday parties. All won't be forgiven, but I will put my feline bazooka down; and we'll all go about our business. I think that's fair.

I also think you suck and don't know what you're doing. I think you created something completely by accident, which is bigger than you, and you don't know how to manage. I think you should step down and let Jupiter have a go at things, but that's not what we're discussing here.

Oh, hang on, the biocide is ready for Katoomba's bamboo shoots.

I'll also have you know that we have designed special kitty headphones which play a stream of my journal entries to get her up to speed with the astronomical ass-whooping on the horizon. I have also played with garage band and came up with some pretty cool techno back beats with random words like PuMMeL PLanETs, ..CoSmIc FiRebaLLs...MooN MuTiLaTIoNS...sWaLLoW StArDuSt...

That was fun.

Oh you're going to get it Universe. Me and Katoomba are going to beat you senseless, and all that will be left is a constellation of her pointy kitty ears and my middle finger.

It's on.....so on...

*sprinkle (explosive poisoned bamboo shoot in a CO2 rocket) sprinkle*