When you have had enough. When it doesn't matter anymore. When you are no longer afraid of releasing the atomic chaos that is brewing inside of you. When all bets are off.
When you willingly stand in your ugliness and do not care to hide. When four million drums are pounding in your mind and the cage of your heart is nothing but a loose, squeaky cage that smells like a dead battery, and you are no longer hungry for the things that are bright and shiny and sparkly.
When the wiring of your mind defects, your eyes are hissing like a feral cat, and every twitching impulse is to destroy whatever created you...
Yeah, I had a bad year.
But it's getting better. And while I am nowhere near the galaxy of surrender, or letting my guard down, even for a millisecond; I would still like to acknowledge that in the past few weeks I have been surrounded with an abundance of love.
I have some fucking amazing people in my life. Some who are in the middle of their own wars as well, but still take time to come aboard and row with me, and hear me, and shut the fuck up with me, and show me sides of things- slivers of thought and reflection, some birthed from their pain, some collected from their travels; and things that we have discovered together in present moments.
I have not been bored.
I feel like I'm resetting, which is fitting for retrograde.
Reset. Reboot. Reflect.
Dear universe (small u), I have not forgotten a single thing. We still have business. It would be very unwise for you to overlook the underdog, but I'm not here to educate you. I'm just simply re-stating that it is ON, and even in my blissful moments, it has never stopped being ON.
There is a rage inside of me that could take out all of Saturn's rings...
But maybe that was the purpose.
Maybe I was asleep.
Maybe I need this fire.
(and who are you to tell me what I need?)
Okay. I will say that at this moment that I am feeling more alive than I have ever felt.
I am burning, pulsating, and vibrating like the surface of the Sun.
And I am grateful for that.
*sprinkle sprinkle*
4 comments:
beautifully stated, and while my year was seemingly pleasant, it has ended (almost) with a recognizance that i may not have been fully lucid. i am now, however, present and prepared for battle. have a victorious next year.
Thank-you T.Allen. I wish you the shiniest and strongest of armor in the New Year, but my biggest wish is that you will never have to use it =)
*sprinkle sprinkle*
Take five, relax and remember to breath!
May all your wishes arrive in 2011.
Thank-you Young Werther. I'm wishing you the hApPiEsT of New Years.
And my wishes seem to be lining up pretty well, YaY!!!
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